It's just a joke, relax!
by yellinglime
Summary: [Shiznat]  Shizuru,  Nao,  April Fool's day...which means:  Natsuki's day of hell
1. Motorcycle Trouble

Disclaimer: Mai-Hime belongs to Sunrise. Though I wish they would fix everyone's costumes in Mai-Otome.

**It's Just a Joke, Relax!**

It was early-nearly three in the morning-and the whole neighborhood was snoozing quietly. Shizuru ran down through the front door of her home, eyes alight with excitement. It was April first, the one day of the year where she had a perfectly legitimate excuse to harass-no, "tease" Natsuki. As she got into her car, she giggled quietly, and then sped off to prepare.

**-meanwhile-**

**-------oOo-----**

A certain redhead was also planning her jokes for the day when her cell phone buzzed and started vibrating. She grabbed it, eyes widening in surprise when she looked at the caller ID.

_Fujino...what could she want at THIS hour. Then again, it is April Fools and she never misses a chance to tease that whipped mutt of hers- heh, this venture might prove to be interesting._

"Hey, Fujino, don't you know that it's rude to call people this early? Some of us are still sleeping, ya know," was uttered before Nao faked a yawn.

"Ara ara, forgive me Nao-han, but you don't sound very sleepy to me. And that yawn of yours didn't sound very realistic- maybe you should work on your acting skills, ne?"

"Jeez, Fujino, cut me some slack. I was only preparing for later today."

"Would you mind if you helped me, too? I have some items on my shopping list which I haven't been able to find just yet."

"What'll I get in return?"

"What do you want?"

"Full rights to sell any pictures I make of you two to Chie, and an excuse from my classes for the next week."

" Deal, but you can only sell pictures that you've taken today."

"You're not gonna ask why I want the week off?"

"I have already been rude to you once tonight, and I don't find it very polite to pry into other people's business. Besides, I assume that you're either going to go on vacation or take care of your mother. Am I correct?"

"Nope. Not even close. Thing is, my little practical jokes might make me a moving target for the next week, and I want to make sure my attendance is good 'cause I don't want to take summer classes with that mutt of yours."

"Ara, Natsuki is no "mutt". She's a cute, hot-tempered, little puppy."

_LITTLE PUPPY? Natsuki is so dead. One of the perks of talking with Fujino is all the verbal ammo I get...heh, heh._

"Hot-tempered? That's an understatement, considering she tries to shoot me every time I make a small crack about her eating habits... have you thought about training her? Anyway, what items did you want?"

"Her eating habits are horrendous, but you wouldn't begin to imagine how much she likes homemade cooking. As for the items, well, I need..."

**--------oOo------**

**SLAM! CraCK!**

Natsuki grinned sleepily as she destroyed another alarm clock. The blue-haired tomboy had just had a wonderful dream about herself and Shizuru, and if that couldn't put her in good spirits this early, nothing could (not that she would admit to it). As she thought about her dream, Natsuki stretched her arms, groaning at the stiffness.

Getting up from her bed, she glanced around the sunlit room through half lidded eyes. Not noticing certain differences, she got dressed with her eyes closed, and checked her cell phone for any messages from Shizuru. To Natsuki's surprise she hadn't received any. Not bothering with her messy bed, she let her feet guide her to the kitchen for her daily dose of black coffee. A bento box with a note on it caught her attention, and the biker paused as she read it.

_Good morning Natsuki-chan. I know that you have been keeping a healthy diet lately and I wanted to make you gift for keeping so strictly to it,_

Here Natsuki paused and thought guiltily about her secret fridge in the garage, which was filled with mayo and beer, to keep her going while she was working on her bike (which she did quite often). The guilt in her expression increased as she read the rest of the letter.

_so I made you a lunch with mayonnaise and a few other of your favorite greasy foods. I hope you enjoy it my love. After all, I had to go to the trouble of making it at 5 a.m.-in one of your favorite special edition Victoria's Secret negligees. I remember how much you liked it last time you stayed over at my place. ._

_Hugs and many, many kisses,_

_Shizuru._

Natsuki's normally pale face was now maroon. She sputtered and coughed and was finally able to yell out a:

"SHIZURUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and succeed in scaring the neighbor's cat, which had somehow crawled onto her porch.

After calming down, the biker stomped down to the garage. She flipped on the switch and let out a blood curdling scream: her Ducati was pink. Hot pink, to be precise, with little white flowers on the back of it. Her helmet matched the theme and had a little message on the top, "I love Takeda."

Natsuki's eye twitched. She now realized that she was going to have a LONG day. The tortured biker girl put her helmet to the side and glared at her motorcycle. Having no other means of transportation meant she had to take it to school and face the snickers of the student body.

_GRRrrrrrrrrr...maybe if I go through my old way, through the woods nobody will see...at least I hope so. Then I can go and murder Takeda._

She hopped on her bike and vroomed off to face what seemed to be the beginning of a torture-some day.

o----------------­­­­­­­­­oOo---------------o

**Omake:**

Natsuki: Does anyone know who's doing this to me?

Nao: Yup. Now go scurry off to your girlfriend so I can take a picture of it.

Natsuki: Girlfriend? I have a girlfriend?

Shizuru: (With tears in her eyes) Natsuki thinks of me as "just a friend"? I thought I meant more to you than that...

Natsuki: SHIZURU! DON'T CRY!! Please, I always thought of you as more of a lover...I'm sorry...please don't cry...

Shizuru: (Blushes a bit at this news) Aww, thank you Natsuki, you really are my cute, hot-tempered, little puppy! KAWAII!

Natsuki: Not in front of Nao!!

Nao: What? Fujino, you really need to think up a new name for your mutt.

Shizuru: I already have and Natsuki knows of it. Isn't that right my lit-[Natsuki covers her mouth at this point

Natsuki: Please, Shizuru, do NOT-no matter how much you want to- say that name in front of spiderwoman!

Nao: Oh? What name is that? Fujino?

Shizuru: (Giggle)

**-------------------------------------0o0------------------------------------**

A/N. Well, here's the beginning of it. I hope you enjoyed it and I'm sorry for any typos. Please review!


	2. Mayo Bottle

It was noon, and Mai and Mikoto were patiently waiting for Natsuki to arrive for lunchtime. After the carnival, lunch had become a daily ritual. Most of the former HiME's gathered together and related their new experiences. While some obvious tension and rivalries still existed (Nao and Natsuki), not many people who hadn't lived through the carnival could understand their reactions to the world's events. They had been waiting for about five minutes when a red faced biker tapped Mai on the shoulder.

"Hey Natsuki, why are you so late?! Mai didn't let me start my lunch because of you!" growled a hungry Mikoto. Mai had been trying to incorporate some manners in her, but she hadn't been dealing to well with the etiquette that tied in with food and eating.

"WHY?! You ask me _why _I'm late?! After going through hell this morning?!" Here Natsuki's eye began to twitch, a certain sign that she was near her limit of patience. Her body language (as defined by our cunning red-eyed brunette) was:

a) one eye twitch- annoyed, possibly about to lose her patience

b) a couple of eye twitches- get ready to run for your life

c) death glare - unable to be defined as all Shizuru could say was "Kawaii!"

d) jaw clenching- barely restrained desire to hit someone

"Calm down. Mikoto was just wondering what had kept you. What do you mean by 'hell', anyway?"

Natsuki sighed and began to relate her story.

**------------------------Flashback---------------------**

After arriving at school, Natsuki had taken her old path as planned. Relieved that nobody could see her, she hid her bike behind a tall bush and sprinted towards the main entrance. She decided to put revenge at the back of her mind, as she would be late to class, thus receiving a long lecture from Midori and later in the day, Shizuru. All such good-girl thoughts left her brain the moment she spotted a kendo playing pervert waiting for her at the door.

_TAKEDA!!!!!!! That moron! GRRrrr, I'm going to go teach him NEVER to paint my bike such a color, or leave such obvious tracks. I mean, come on, it's like saying "Come little wolf, eat me."_

"Hello, Natsuki-chan," Takeda beamed. Natsuki's jaw clenched.

"You do not have the right to call me by my first name or with '-chan'," she growled out.

"But we're going to be dating soon. Then what will I call you?" the kendo player said innocently. Then he pouted his lips, as if getting ready for a kiss.

Of course, that was all Natsuki needed to start pummeling him. At one point she got out her knife, in an attempt to castrate him. Unfortunately, before she could succeed, two strong arms slipped around her waist and warmth spread through Natsuki's body. There was only one such person who would ever try such a feat (and be successful with it) and that was Shizuru.

"Ara ara, what have I told you about violence?" said a voice full of amusement. The Kyoto native was blowing on the biker's ear and recieved a pleasant shudder in return. Shizuru smiled mischeviously.

"S-Shizuru? I was just- Takeda, he..." Natsuki stammered.

"Ara? Takeda did what?" the tea addict purred. Shizuru's little, insatiable, wolf-poochy-poochy-pup with a fast-wagging tail and two cute ear muffins _(A/N: This is the nickname that Natsuki _agreed_ to and was trying to keep Nao from discovering) _blushed two shades deeper than the color of her bike.

"She said she would be my girlfriend if I was a better kisser than you," Takeda interrupted.

"WHAT?!"

Shizuru extracted herself from Natsuki and looked tearfully back at her.

"Natsuki wanted to dump me? I-I see. Well, I'll take my leave," Shizuru said as her voice cracked and she began to cry. Before the biker could react, Shizuru sprinted out of her reach. The temperature suddenly dropped and Takeda began shivering.

"W-wait, a sec! I have proof!" he said as the wolf-girl's eyes began to gleam with a deadly predatory gaze. His cell phone was offered and she blinked, looking down at it.

"What do I want with that?" she asked icily.

"Read it, it has the message you sent me this morning," he begged.

Natsuki took the phone and checked the number it was sent from and was surprised to see that it was from her cell. She started to read:

**Hi, Takeda. I've been bored by Shizuru lately, and even though she's a good friend, I want someone new. If u can kiss better than her, how about a date? Meet me in front of the school before class starts. 3 Natsuki.**

_Wtf?! I never sent such a message! I knew it, someone's out to get me..._

Natsuki quickly explained to Takeda that she had never sent the message (and never would) and she apologized for trying to castrate him. After receiving a "No problem" she started to run to her first period class. Luck wasn't on her side this morning and she had just reached the door to her classroom when the bell rang. She opened the door and recieved a detention from her Sentai-Ranger sensei (aka. Midori). She dragged her feet to her desk and plopped down, waiting for the morning announcements.

**---------------End Flashback-----------**

Natsuki finished her story with a sigh, wondering what torture was left for her this day. Nao and Reito had come toward the end of it and had began to chuckle at her expense. Mikoto had been nodding her head every few minutes with a "yup, yup" and Mai had been offering her condolences.

"Wow. Now I understand why you were in such a bad mood this morning. I wonder if someone from your fanclub did this, considering it broke up you and Shizuru-san."

"Nah. Most of those idiots don't have enough braincells to come up with such a plot to separate the flea bag and her master."

"Who are you calling 'flea bag', _worm_?" hissed Natsuki.

"What was that, you tyke? So you agree that Fujino is your master?" Nao hissed back.

"Now, now, stop fighting you two. You can finish your discussion after lunch, as I don't want to lose my appetite like last time," Mai calmed the two down.

"Fine, I don't want to associate with such scum, lest I throw up on her," Natsuki replied.

Mai glared. The same kind of glare that she gave when someone insulted her karaoke costumes. It was enough to shut both of them up, but as usual, Reito and Mikoto simply smiled. Natsuki began to open up her bento, feeling depressed about her spat with Shizuru. If it could even be called that, considering the Kyoto woman hadn't given her a chance to explain. Suddenly she froze. There was a _baby bottle_ in her bento.

_What the- how did this get here? Why did Shizuru...wait a second. Please don't tell me this means she's pregnant! How's that even possible, I'm a GIRL! Oh man, what'll her parents say and how will I- oh, there's a note._

**To my obedient little Natsuki: Ara, when I checked up on you this morning, you were sleeping like a baby and even drooling a little bit. It gave me an idea, and I put all of your mayo in this bottle. Enjoy . **

_O.O Shizuru, what the hell?! Crap, I better keep quiet lest on of the others asks me what this is all about. And who is she calling OBEDIENT? And...why is there NEGI right by it?! Hnn, another note._

**Natsuki, this is a reminder. If you EVER eat another bottle of mayo at one time (besides the ones I give you), I will not hesitate to use negi as punishment. 3 And you know what that means...**

_**SHIZURU!!!!!!!!! **__WHY ARE YOU SO KEEN ON TORTURING ME DAMNIT!? And last time I was sick, too!_

"HEY! NATSUKI!!" Mai yelled as she waved a hand in front of her friend's face.

Startled, the biker jumped, which sent one of the notes tumbling on the ground. Nao caught her eye and both of them dove in an attempt to get it. The poor wolf pup was unsuccessful and Nao began to read it to herself. It was the one with the "baby comment." Snickering as she read the beginning and then laughing hard when she read the comment did not help Natsuki's complexion remain "white as purest snow." By now, the others were looking at them, wondering what had set Nao off.

"Oh, ho, ho. Christmas has come early for me this year. So you're obedient to Fujino, eh?" Nao cackled out.

"Shut up! And give me that note back!" Natsuki yelled.

"Give me one reason why I should."

"Because it's MINE, damnit!"

"It is. You're right."

"EH?" Natsuki paused for a moment.

Nao took out her cell phone and started dialing a number. Her eyes brightened a bit when she reached her source and asked "Chie, would you like some serious scoop about Fujino and Kuga?"

"**NAO**!!!!!!!"

"Here, I'll read the note out loud," Nao stated, just as she dodged a blow from twitchy-eyed Natsuki. Mai held Natsuki from pummeling Nao, but she stopped when she heard the contents of the note. Then no force on earth could have held their laughter down.

Natsuki's face was purple (with both anger and embarrassment) as she collected her bento box and her bag. She ignored their laughter and headed of into the woods. Not one of them could stop her because they were laughing so hard that their sides hurt and tears rolled down their eyes. All the biker girl did was flip her hair and drive home, clenching and un-clenching her jaw, eye twitching madly.

_Shizuru, I don't know if I should apologize to you or not for what happened this morning (especially since it wasn't my fault), considering that my reputation is now in flames. When I find you...I really don't know what I'll do._

o------------------------0o0-------------------------o

Omake;

Natsuki: My head is starting to hurt from all this blushing.

Shizuru: Why don't you lay down on my lap? If you rest a bit, you'll probably feel better.

Natsuki: Thanks. _Falls asleep._

Shizuru: Ara, she's so cute. _Smile_

----------------------oOo-----------------------

A/N. I updated as fast as I could. I figured that Natsuki deserved a break from all the hassle so I gave her some nap time in the mini-feed.


	3. My Grandmother Raided My Closet

Two ruby eyes watched from the shadow of the trees as Natsuki got on her bike and vroomed away. Shizuru smiled to herself, happy that the plan was working. She had some steps left to accomplish, but seeing how easily her girlfriend fell into her clutches, the tea addict didn't know whether to completely desert her revenge for having her tea thrown out, or just begin a seduction; it would be more fun that way. Still, she would love to see Natsuki's reaction for the last prank, which was the main reason for her scheme.

"Fujino!" Nao called out, startling Shizuru out of her reverie. "How'd I do?"

"Ah, Nao-han, you did excellent. I haven't seen her blush like this since the hitchhiking incident."

"But you tease her every day, and she always comes to lunch beet-red because of it."

"True, but not to this degree. Ara, I'm finding her expression worth the trouble of buying the paint, though I don't know why you put the 'Takeda message' on her helmet, I was quite surprised when I heard the text that you sent."

"And that helped you act better, ne?"

"True..."

"Anyway, that was my original plan for her."

"You wanted to break us up?"

"No. I wanted to see her beat the living daylights out of Takeda."

"Ara ara, he did deserve punishment for the large assortment of Natsuki's photos found in his locker. Ookini, Nao-han."

"Who found them?"

"Tate Yuuichi, when he was hiding Mikoto's lunch the other day, Apparently, he had wanted to see just how long she could go without food, and what she would do afterwards. Mai-han ended up asking Natsuki to hang him-"

"And she did. From a flagpole by his underwear. _That's _why I want the week off."

"Ara ara, I just might join you."

"Why?"

"My tea."

"But didn't Kuga already throw out your tea-leaf collection?"

"The majority of it was shipped to Kyoto before the incident, thank kami. Unfortunately, I also have a large collection of fragile china that I need to take care of."

"Right. But why would that take a week?"

"It is a **big** collection, after all."

"Oh."

"Shall we get going, Nao-han? We still have to finish our last piece of business."

"Yup. Let me just go get my camera."

--oOo--

When Natsuki arrived back at her flat, it was pitch dark. She fumbled with her keys a few moments before unlocking the door. She threw her bag on the floor, and put her bento in the fridge- it still had free mayo in it- Shizuru's notes notwithstanding. She had been driving around for a few hours after lunch and had finished her homework in one of the public libraries. The biker plunked down on her couch and sighed, wondering how she would be able to look anyone in the eye tomorrow without blushing beet-red.

_I suppose I could simply glare at them and hit them if they ask me how Shizuru got me "pussy whipped." I am not! I am simply reluctant to face another negi incident. Kami, she still teases me with the last one..._

Natsuki blushed at the memory.

"Yeowl!" The neighbor's cat was once again on her porch.

_Dumb cat. I don't get why the neighbor just doesn't get a dog and get rid of this mangy feline. Dogs are so much smarter...just like I am smarter than Nao. I just don't have her blackmailing intent._

As Natsuki went outside to remove the small intruder from the premises, she noticed a piece of cloth in its mouth.

_What is...no. No WAY. That's the Sevilla Solona bra from Soma! I've been meaning to get that for weeks!! Jeez, its owner will be so angry._

She picked up the cat and the bra, and went next door. She knocked and looked uncomfortably at her feet. The door opened and out stepped Irina Woods.

"Hello- Kuga-san? May I help you?" she asked, surprise evident on her face as she had only met the biker once, when she had moved in. Natsuki had given her a long list of what-to-do and what-not-to-do's as her neighbor. She had sent her last one to the hospital after she had caught him spying on her from his porch. Thanks to that situation, she had learned to close the blinds before she started walking around in a new addition to her lingerie "portfolio."

"Your cat was on my porch. With this bra in its mouth," said a deadpan Natsuki, holding out the creature and the cloth towards her neighbor.

"Oh! Thank you, the silly cat has been driving me insane lately. Do you by any chance have any mayonnaise lying around? Because when he smells it, he knows that there'll be fish served soon."

"Well, um, no," said a blushing Natsuki.

_Hopefully Shizuru will never hear this conversation; otherwise she'll know that I've been lying._

"Just keep him away from my porch- he's woken me up numerous times with his yowling."

"I'm sorry, I'll do my best. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

--oOo--

Shizuru paused in her stride and motioned for Nao to stop behind her when she heard Natsuki conversing with Irina. She felt her expression transform into one of surprise when she heard the mayo comment.

_Ara ara, I was right. Natsuki is even more deserving of her punishment than I originally thought._

"Nao-han, are you ready with your camera?" she asked coolly.

"As I'll ever be," the redhead replied, a hint of amusement in her voice.

--oOo--

Natsuki walked back to her apartment, thoughts full of lingerie and Shizuru. Or to be more exact, what Shizuru would do to her if she found out about her secret mayo stash. She sighed and walked towards her room, knowing that organizing her collection would help clear her thoughts.

She reached her bedroom and opened her closet and then stopped. Frozen like a deer in headlights. Her eyes were wide open and her face was as pale as a sheet. A horror-filled expression was worn on her face and her mouth was open, she was also gently trembling in fear.

_No._

_Kami..._

_No...This is impossible. How can it- everything...it's all...gone!! Every single piece of lingerie that I've collected for the past few months is __**gone**__!! And in its place..._

_PICTURES OF CLOWNS AND GRANDMA UNDERWEAR?!_

Before she could start crying hysterically (though she was rolled on the floor sucking her thumb), the door rang. As if in a dream, she walked toward the door and opened it. Nao and Shizuru stood there, expectant expressions on their faces. Nao raised her camera, and a flash blinded Natsuki. Both grinned evilly and finally yelled:

"APRIL FOOLS, NATSUKI!"

"HUh? Nao, Shizuru...what did you..?" said our poor little biker-girl.

"Ara, next time you'll learn not to touch my tea," Shizuru replied.

"Tea?"

"All the tea that you threw away last week."

"Oh...right. _That_ tea."

"Now, the paint on your Ducati will come off with a little water and your lingerie is in the box under your desk."

"The text from your phone was from me, and the notes were obviously written by Fujino."

"Ara ara, Natsuki, I hope you learned your lesson," said a smiling Shizuru, before kissing her on the cheek.

Natsuki's eyes widened as everything fell into place. She looked at the culprits and yelled:

**"SHIZURU!! NAO!! YOU SHALL PAY!!"**

They looked at each other and started running for their lives.

-- -- -- -- --

A/N. It's done. And has been done for months. And I just submited it and I am RETARDED. I am really sorry. :(

Thanks for all the reviews and for watching me. I promise that I shall never do anything longer than a one-shot again. .


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